I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
