Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
