so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
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I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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