apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
