i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize