I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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