Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize