i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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