I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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