The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
