this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
