my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
