it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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