great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
