Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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