Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
