I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
