if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
