Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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