I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
