I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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