Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
