I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
