Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
