You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bring me that man meat
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
