who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My cat gives me a boner
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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