even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
