I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
