There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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