I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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