Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
