I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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