All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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