I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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