boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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