I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize