i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
