Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
