Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
