Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
