I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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