I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
