I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
