When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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