Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
