I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
