I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
