i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize