Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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