I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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