I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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