tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
